(This post is out of character)
Yesterday, July 7th 2012, was the one year anniversary of my Clare and I writing together. And after a long, drawn out talk, the two of us have decided to end roleplaying as eli-goldsworthy49 and littlemisssaintclare. It has been an incredible, teary, giggling wonderful journey as these roles but it has become more of a hassle than a joy to do it. As you may have noted our stories have become… darker? And not exactly the most happy things to write. Though the two of us have many more ideas of stories to do, we decided that leaving it where it is now (Clare off to rehab; Eli with the children) would be better than trying to continue it when we really can’t juggle it. So after a lot of talking, my Clare and I have decided that this will be the end of our roleplaying, as much as we’d like to keep it up.
First, I would like to say thank you to all of you that have talked to my Eli/followed us for so long and stuck around through the depressing moments (it was even hard for me to stick around, yeah~) and the times when our stories would just be cut off and we’d never finish. We’re both going to keep our accounts up, because we want to keep the memories, (and who knows? Maybe one day we’ll pick it back up again in the long future from now) the good ones, the bad ones - all of them. Because these accounts were mirror images of ourselves so to speak.
So now, one last thing before I bid all of you ado, I’d like to leave you all with our personals, and shatter the illusion that I’ve tried so hard to keep.
My Clare’s (she is on a brief hiatus until Monday)
And Mine. There, illusion shattered!
Well, I guess that’s all. Wow, I’m tearing up just writing this goodbye post. It’s been an entire year and look how far we’ve come. Goodbye everyone!
Yours very truly, the girl behind Eli Goldsworthy.
Eli had pulled the cigarette away from Clare’s skin, but it seemed as if the pain was beginning to increase. And, in a way, Clare actually liked it. When he asked her why she burned herself, she didn’t have an answer. She continued to remain emotionless, and not speak a word to him. She remained quiet as Eli spoke more words to her - but she wasn’t sure what he was saying. She had heard him, but it was taking her some time to process exactly what he was saying. She didn’t lift her head to look at him as he got up and began to walk away - she kept her eyes glued on the mark that she had just put on her own body. Clare was sure if she was thinking straight, she wouldn’t have even thought about hurting herself in this way…but her head was somewhere else, and she had no idea who she was. She hear the closet door opening, and her eyes glanced in that direction. She saw Eli calling a number that he had written down on a sticky note. And it was at that moment that Clare realized what he was doing - he was trying to get her away from him, and trying to get her help. But it was too late for all of that. No longer did she want help - she didn’t think she needed it now. It was too late.”No,” She breathed, as Eli pressed the phone to his ear, and began talking to the person on the other line. She wiped her eyes, causing her dark eye makeup to smudge, and get all over her hands. “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine.” She repeated, and every time she repeated it, her voice would get louder - attempting to stop Eli from calling, and she finally rose to her feet, walking towards him. Once she reached him, she tried to take his phone away from his grasp, desperately trying to hang it up. She was pulling at his arm, trying to get the phone away from him. She wasn’t going to let him send her away - not now. “I said I’m fine!”
Eli shook his head when Clare started to scream and say that she was fine - her hands trying to bat the phone out of his hands. “No, Clare you’re not fine…. Thank you.” Eli said, partially to Clare, partially to the woman on the phone. He started to tell the woman where to pick up Clare until Clare seemed to get the better of him, the phone falling out of his hands and to the ground. But that didn’t stop Eli, he started to yell the address to the woman when Clare bent down and picked up the phone and hung up. “Clare that’s not going to stop them. You need help, you know you do.” he argued, and started to try and grab the phone from her hand. “I’ll take care of the kids, Clare. I’ll take care of the apartment - I’ll take care of everything while you’re gone, I promise. Just go, just go and get better because you need to get better.” he demanded, a pleading tone in his voice, but she didn’t seem to care. Eli closed his eyes and shook his head. “Why won’t you listen to me, Clare? You used to think you needed help - and you do need help!” he said loudly, but decided to give up. Clare wasn’t going to listen. He exited the closet and walked over to the crib where the babies laid, and held Casper in his arms. “It’s okay, Cas’, Mommy’s going to go get help, and you’ll be okay.” he said softly, shushing the baby. Clare just stood in the doorway and watched him take care of their kids and she didn’t look happy, but Eli didn’t care. “You know, if you really don’t want to leave so bad - come here and take care of our babies, Clare. Come and feed Colette or just stand there all dumbfounded until they come to save you.”
“What’s…what’s going on here.” Clare heard Eli’s voice, but she didn’t answer him. She wasn’t sure how to respond - she honestly didn’t even know what was going on. She noticed that the scissors had cut Eli’s hand, but she never said a word, and she continued looking at her reflection, which seemed to be fading away right before her eyes. Clare could still hear the faint cry of the two babies in the bedroom, and she felt somewhat guilty that she didn’t help them when they needed her. She wasn’t being the mother she intended to be. But how could she take care of two babies when she could barely take care of herself? And she knew what Eli was saying was true - she wasn’t herself. She couldn’t be herself because at this point, she didn’t know who she was. She didn’t know who was starring back at her, but it definitely was not her - and both her and Eli knew that. Clare couldn’t make the feeling of hatred towards herself go away. She wasn’t trying to, but she knew if she did try, nothing would work. Every time she would try to love herself and make herself feel better, she would always think back to some bad idea that she had made in the past, or she would start to think about one of her many flaws, and nothing went well. But this time was worse than all the others - the hatred she felt for herself was strong, almost too strong for her to handle. Clare shrugged, not speaking one word to Eli, and she got up from the stool she was sitting on, and walked passed Eli, slightly stumbling into him as she did so. But she kept on walking along, walking into the bedroom - towards the bed. She quickly got down on her knees, reached under the bed, and pulled out a stash of cigarettes that Eli had hid under the bed. Something in the back of her head told her he had smoked some of them, but she wasn’t sure. She didn’t really think he would keep his word and quit like she hoped he would. Pushing those thoughts aside, she pulled out a cigarette and Eli’s lighter, and she sat up on her heels. She quickly lit the cigarette, and dropped the lighter onto the floor. In only a matter of seconds, she brought the burning cigarette to her arm, and pressed it against her skin. The pain was almost unbearable - it brought tears to her eyes, and she let out a small scream of pain, yet she continued to press the cigarette to her skin, wanting to hurt herself even more.
Eli practically gasped when he saw her reaching underneath the bed and he knew what it was for. How had she known about his secret stash underneath their bed? Sure, he actually hadn’t smoked any cigarettes in days - no, weeks. From the moment he promised he would quit he actually did. It was hard, so so fucking hard but he did it. He wasn’t so sure he was completely set on quitting but he hadn’t smoked in the longest time. “Clare, I haven’t smoked anything, I swear.” he tried to tell her as she reached for the lighter and a single cigarette. For a moment, he stood agape watching as she began to lit it. He wondered if she would actually try and smoke the damn thing - no, no matter what he knew she would never let herself stoop to that level. Smoking was something Clare Edwards would never do. But what she did do with the cigarette surprised him beyond belief.
Eli heard her scream and his heart shattered. He fell to his knees and yanked the cigarette from her and quickly put it out in the carpet, and stamped it out with the palm of his not cut up hand. Eli reached for Clare’s arm and his eyes widened at the already burning mark starting to form on her skin. “Why did you do that?!” he asked, but not in a harsh sort of way, in an attempt to understand why she would do this to herself. He tried to look her in the eyes but when he did, he didn’t see Clare anymore. He saw an emotionless wreck in front of him and he shook his head. “I need to get you out of here. You can’t stay here, Clare.” he murmured, wondering if she could even understand him anymore. Was she listening? Eli left her on the floor as he stood up and went towards his closet. Eli had always promised that he would get Clare some form of help, but he never did.
In the very back of his closet on a small yellow sticky note he had taped a phone number. The number of a place that would take Clare when he knew she needed to go. Maybe Eli was just waiting until the babies were born before he would actually send her away from him. He didn’t want too, but now he needed too. He pulled out his phone from his back pocket and started to dial the number sadly. And he wondered if Clare could hear him calling because he heard her beginning to yell at him from the bedroom. “Do you guys pick people up? Because there’s no way I can come drive her there.” he told them on the phone.
The babies were crying and screaming as Clare stood in front of the mirror, brushing her hair out, which had dyed earlier that day. It had been a long day, and instead of doing something productive to pass the time, she decided to make herself feel terrible about herself, and her appearance. Hating herself was something that came naturally to Clare. She didn’t have to make any effort at all, or over think, all it took was one simple glance in the mirror to cause her to absolutely hate herself. And almost every time she did look into the mirror, she would break down and start crying. This was going on for a while, and Clare couldn’t quite remember when all of this started - she never hated herself this much. But now, things were different. She wanted to fix something - anything, she wanted to change. So earlier in the day, she decided to dye her hair black - which a drastic change for Clare, something she wouldn’t even think about doing if she were thinking straight. But she didn’t care at this point, and when she stared at her reflection in the mirror, she couldn’t see herself. She saw a train wreck instead. She couldn’t recognize herself, and she surely did not know who she was any longer. She continued brushing her hair out, staring at the train wreck starring back at her. The twin’s piercing cries were still filling the room, and it made Clare feel lightheaded. She didn’t know why she wasn’t helping them, and she mentally yelled at herself for not helping them - giving herself another reason to hate herself. But she didn’t even look at them. Instead, her hand reached out for her eyeliner pencil, and she started to apply it to both of her eyes. It was messy and it didn’t look good at all, but she did not care. When she was finished, she dropped the eyeliner pencil onto the floor, reached her shaky hand out to a pair of scissors, brought them up to her hair, and began cutting it. She cut it aimlessly, causing her hair to become uneven and messy, and a shorter length. Hair was falling onto her shoulders, and onto the floor, but she didn’t even want to look down at one of the messes she had created - she was already starring one of them straight in the eye. The door to the bedroom suddenly opened, and Eli came through the door, quickly rushing over to the screaming twins. He was trying to calm them down, but while he was doing so, he was also yelling at Clare and freaking out. But Clare wasn’t paying attention to him at all - she didn’t want to listen to him, and she just couldn’t listen to him. She knew if she did, she would have yet another reason to hate herself, and she certainly couldn’t deal with that. She stood there quietly, as she continued to look into the mirror, and emotionless expression on her face.
Things were looking up, to be honest - and Eli was incredibly happy about it. Clare wasn’t exactly the most talkative person around the house anymore but she at least wasn’t angry at him. The two acted civilized around each other which was a good thing. Eli had even been offered a promotion at work for his good attitude over the past ten days. Everything was going smoothly at home, at work, and in his head. He had even begun to wonder, am I even a schizophrenic? It was inevitable that he was, but sometimes he even forgot about his many disorders he was in such good moods. As now new acting manager of the frozen yogurt store, he was given new hours…working a little later than he usually would. When he had to come home late, Clare was never exactly in the best of moods. She’d be quiet, and feed the babies breast milk without uttering a word to him, and when they’d fall asleep beside each other she’d be cold and prickly with him. He knew the reasons of this, but he didn’t mention it to her…he wasn’t in the mood to argue with her.
When he had returned to the apartment that night the moment he stepped into the room, that something wasn’t right. There was a scent in the room that was musky, as if someone had sprayed one too many squirts of horrifying perfume. And suddenly he heard it. The babies - screaming. Not just crying, they were full blown screaming bloody murder. Eli dropped everything in his hands and rushed to the bedroom, to find Clare nowhere in sight. Had she skipped out on him? Left him alone with the kids? He didn’t think she’d really do such a thing but…would she? He frantically picked up Colette and held her in his arms, rocking her back and forth. “Sweetheart it’s okay.” he murmured, “Clare!” he turned his head and yelled, trying to find his wife. Colette had calmed down slightly and he picked up Casper and did the same. But what was really bugging him was the fact that he couldn’t find Clare.
“Clare, where are you!” he yelled, entering the bathroom to find her sitting on a stool looking in the mirror. Or…was it even Clare. Her hair had been dyed raven black, and her makeup had been smudged and dirtied with a dark black eyeliner pencil. The scissors were cutting away some uneven black snips of her hair and Eli couldn’t believe his eyes…for the moment, Clare Edwards was more crazy than he was. “What’s…what’s going on here.” he asked her, reaching for the scissors and yanking them out of her hands, the blade hitting against his palm and sliding hid hand slightly. He yelped and dropped them to the floor, and he brought his hand up to his mouth to ease the pain and to suck up some of the blood that was oozing from his cut. “What are you doing, the babies are screaming. You’re not yourself, what’s going on?” he asked, trying to keep a calm tone to his voice. If he were to freak out, it would have made matters worse.